As the year is finishing I can not help but reflect on 2021 and what I have learned and lost in this 12 months. It hasn’t been a simple 2 years for anyone, but I do feel 2021 gave me more challenges than 2020, as many things carried through to the new year.
It is 2 years ago that I heard from my sister that it was confirmed her husband had cancer. It was all so unexpected and pretty mind blowing, to hear this news for Alani and his amazing family. However, Alani saw through 2020 making some pretty special memories with his family despite the global pandemic! And the wonders of medicine and doctors care meant his initial diagnosis was out lived. He made it onto July 2021 before we had to say goodbye.
When I journeyed to England in 2004 I never thought anyone in my family would pass, I never dreamt of a global pandemic stopping the world! I never even knew I would end up living here still in 2022, and yet I’ve nearly been here 18 years already. It’s been so hard to process Alani’s passing. I could not visit – pandemic… I felt like I could not help – other than pray… I felt very very alone – no one here has a connection with him.
Thing is, Alani was my brother. He looked after me, he loved me. I think I was the first person he told that Laina had been born – I was in the corridor at the hospital so heard my sister screaming in child birth. We walked the Milford track with my Mum when I was 13 years old. I think he carried most of the food and supplies for us. Alani was a wonderful example to me of what a husband should be. The way he treated my sister, spoke to her, loved her, looked at her. As for being a Father… well, Alani was the best! The way he raised and coached his kids in life was awesome. Kath & Alani made the ultimate team. Papa Alani & Mumma K.
Grief is a complex thing. You seem to carry on with life because you have to. But then eventually, if you’ve not released that grief it comes out… it overflows. You crack. You break. You fall apart. That alone-ness I felt in being so far away from my family caught up with me.
You see, alongside Alani’s cancer and progression. My Dad was also progressing in his journey. Another complex and cruel diagnosis of Dementia. My own Papa fading in a way that I could not see. I could not interact with. I can not help with. He can not cope with telephones or video calls. So now I rely on information from others on how Dad is doing.
Because alongside these 2 important men in my family progressing with illnesses… my Mum also progressed to a new stage in her life. Mum and Dad split up and she moved away to start fresh in the South Island. So now I have no ‘family home’ to visit when I can travel to NZ again.
It’s weird, because I know I can stay with my siblings, and I know their homes, hearts and arms are always open to me. But I guess there’s that part of me that didn’t grow up, didn’t say farewell and move on properly from our place in Napier. I guess I always thought it would be there for me.
Strangely the day Alani passed, we also collected our puppy Copper. She was 8 weeks old and ready to come to her forever home with us. She is an Australian Collie, tri coloured and beautiful. She is also an immense handful and far harder work that I knew. The upside is, we get even more fresh air each day, because she needs it! And she is maturing and getting simpler to manage. One day we hope she will be our trail dog and many new bike riding adventures will follow with our faithful hound in tow.
Despite Copper, I didn’t cope with life this year. In September I had to be signed off work and start taking some antidepressants. Many days were misty and sad. Tears overflowing my cheeks and I dreaded being asked ‘how are you?’. Both my kids had Covid, but weren’t poorly… but it did mean staying at home with them as they couldn’t attend school. I couldn’t meet people face to face to talk about my overwhelming feelings. I could not release the grief properly. I just could not cope.
So I suppose 2021 taught me that I am a grown up. And that it really is ok to not be ok. That we need to deal with our emotions, continually. Not letting them build up to tipping point so that we collapse. But equally, if we do collapse, it’s ok. Others will help and things will get better. I’ve also learnt how to hand sew embroidery. It’s a focussing task that draws me in and away from dark thoughts and helpless feelings.
I could not have made it through 2021 without my family, friends, church and workplace. They have all supported me, carried me, loved me and given me reasons to keep looking up. I cherish my husband and my 2 kiddos the most. They are the best of me and they survive with the worse of me too. I am ready for 2022 to be a more joy filled year. A year with contentment, hugs, trees, running and creative making. I do not know if I will write here, but perhaps it will let me release emotions more often. I hope I can visit NZ and hug those most dear. Now I’m going to have a drink to farewell 2021 and welcome in 2022. Happy New Year!
Last week, we stood before our church and thanked God for Josiah. And we dedicated ourselves to raising him to learn about God. We hope that one day he too will decided to follow God with all his heart. We ate food with friends and family. And we had a special cake to mark the occasion. Next week, he will be one! And we will mark that occasion with cake too. I am thankful that God has trusted us with children. I will try to do my best. But I will make a mess of things, I thank God that I can learn from my mistakes and hopefully improve!
kutiekiwi 